20-35
Be more productive, more efficient, improve as much as I can, always look for better ways, constantly self-reflect and gain insight that I can apply to live a better life.
35-45
Slow down, simplify. I don’t have to be more efficient and better. I can look for easier ways, I can let things go, I can do less, I can choose fewer. I don’t have to try harder, I can pare things down and prune and relax. “Self improvement” feels calmer, more loving, more compassionate.
45-?
I’m not sure what this will be like until it’s in retrospect. But this feels significant: I had (perimenopausal?) insomnia where I didn’t sleep well for about 9 months. While I was somewhat frantically trying to sleep, frantically reaching for tools, for wisdom, for anything that would help, I read a book called Motherhood by Sheila Heti. It’s a fictional memoir about a child-free woman frenetically trying to decide if she should try to have a baby or not. I don’t recommend the book and I didn’t especially enjoy it, but I have a feeling it will stick with me as a lightbulb moment in my personal development.
While her particular conflict wasn’t mine (I always wanted to have children and have a passel), I found the way she dealt with her conflict irritatingly familiar.
A self indulgent whiny woman who is bright, articulate, creative, intelligent...I so uncomfortably identify with her. She's insightful, conflicted, unbelievably self aware and intelligent and creative and has amaaaaaaazing insights and she's so boringly inside her own head.
All this insight, all this psychological work, and what does she gain? Nothing. She's still in conflict, still immersed and unable to escape the messiness of existence.
~~~~~
This reminds me of how my husband and I used to talk through every little conflict in our relationship. We ironed out a lot of wrinkles, had deep conversations about our perspectives, worked to understand each other so we could come to compromise, regrouped and did it again and again and again and again when there were disagreements and strife. (I remember reading Gottman in the 90s about how most couples don’t actually resolve their major conflicts—they fight about the same things over and over and over. It’s a lot about how they navigate those conflicts that predicts success or failure of the marriage.)
At a certain anniversary (20? 22? 19? I don’t even remember), my husband told me: “You know what? I feel differently now. I feel like it’s OK to let things go. I don’t mind letting things slide. It’s OK to not work it out, it’s OK to disagree, it’s OK. There’s enough security in our love for each other and that we care for each other and want to be good to each other, that I haven’t been feeling like we have to struggle for our positions. We can relax and if we have to work something out, we work it out. But there’s no urgency to work it out. It will work itself out. Or it won’t, and that’s OK, too. It feels like we’re on a new level where we don’t have to work through all the little squabbles anymore.”
There’s something about self improvement that is feeling futile to me at this point. Not futile in a negative way. More in a Buddhist acceptance type of a way. Feelings ebb and flow. Insight comes and goes. Maybe it’s not urgent to work it out. Maybe it will work itself out. Or it won’t, and that’s OK, too.