I’ve always been a neurotic child. Thumb sucking, nail biting, hair chewing, pen chewing (to the point of exploding ink in my mouth numerous times), pimple picking, cuticle picking, shirt chewing.
Now, as a teacher or as an adult, whenever I see a child engaging in any of those types of behaviors, I take it as a cue and look for ways to make the environment less stressful.
I thought I had all these habits because I was a nervous child. I thought if I
a) set up my life so that I didn’t have things that constantly made me anxious
and
b) did enough therapy/analysis/inner exploration/trauma work
that I wouldn’t be such a neurotic wreck.
I thought that if
a) I raised my children without yelling or school (two things that made me exceedingly nervous/perfectionistic)
or
b) got enough practice in parenting that I wouldn’t traumatize my children
I would somehow be able to spare them from my neuroses.
I was…well, I wasn’t wrong—but I wasn’t right.
First the bold claim that I’ve done “enough” therapeutic work to still my inner anxieties and second the bold claim that I’ve done “enough” parenting practice to not traumatize my children: I don’t know. I’ve done a lot. A heckuva lot. More than a lot of people. On the other hand, it all depends on my starting point, right? If a person is drowning in the depths of the sea and swims miles and miles upwards, they may still drown. Whereas a person standing in a mud puddle needs to only take one step to get out.
It is my contention that if therapeutic work could stop nailbiting, it’s not the most efficient way to stop nailbiting. I have a lot more inner peace than I used to. I have a lot more coping skills than I used to. I have a broader perspective than I used to.
I also bite my nails less than I used to. A lot less. BUT I still do. It’s like my brain sneaks it, when I’m not looking. It’s probably more unresolved emotional stuff.
But it’s exhausting to try to plumb the depths of unresolved emotional stuff, and at a certain point, acceptance is starting to look like the path of more serenity.
My youngest child, blowing through all of my hopes/hypotheses:
1) That if he doesn’t have the stress of school
2) That if I don’t traumatize him
3) That I didn’t traumatize him
he won’t have neuroses…
Just asked me how to stop biting his nails.
Upon googling, I learned something interesting. BFRBs: body-focused repetitive behaviors. They are frequently genetic (✔), it’s unknown why exactly people have it (epigenetics?), there are sensory triggers (✔), thought or belief triggers (✔)(<—trauma/anxiety), posture, movement, and setting triggers.
It’s not intentional self harm (though my inner work has definitely uncovered aspects of unconscious aspects of mutilation and excoriation). They are not directly correlated with trauma/abuse. And they are not the same as OCD: “Many people with OCD loathe their compulsions, says Mouton-Odum, whereas people with BFRBs typically find some part of it soothing, enjoyable, entertaining, or otherwise pleasant.”1
Another interesting anecdotal point that I’ve observed over the years is that if a family member solves one BFRB, another one pops up. As evidenced that I certainly circulated through many of them over my life. One of my family members stops biting her nails and then gets what she calls a “nervous rash.” (Which does seem to point to it somewhat being correlated with stress.) My mother tells a family story that when I was in 4th grade, I decided to stop sucking my thumb. After a few months of me (successfully) quitting, my mom pulled me aside and tactfully told me that I was an irritable, anxious, quivering mess and perhaps I’d like to reconsider and go back to sucking my thumb. I did.
So even if we do stop biting our nails, a different “nervous habit” will probably pop up elsewhere. Or perhaps as irritability.
Despite this, I bought the bitter tasting nail polish for him and I figured why not try it out for myself along with him. The instructions recommend using it 2x a day for 3 months. I’m curious to see how this will play out. Many reviews mentioned that the bitterness did not help their child stop thumbsucking/nailbiting. However, since my son requested it, I think it will be an effective reminder to him that he wants to stop.
THE STUFF TASTES AWFUL. And it lingers. But I must say, they really hit the right balance of offputting without it being painful. Every time I accidentally put my finger into my mouth (no more swiping the top of my cappuccino foam and licking my finger, I learned the hard way), and my tongue is hanging out of my mouth and I’m spitting “blech, yuck, ew,” I’m full of admiration at how neatly the developers balanced the feeling of ick without it being excruciating.
https://www.bfrb.org/learn-about-bfrbs/treatment/causes-of-bfrbs